By Sharon Gordon
Johannesburg - I’ve been talking and writing about sex for so many years now and sometimes I feel like nothing has changed. We are still talking in riddles, debating whether we should be honest with our children and giving our genitals absurd nicknames! So, this week and maybe next week I want to talk about the sex education I wish I’d had.
Let’s start at the beginning – the words we use for our genitals. Women have a vulva, a vagina and clitoris. There are other body parts including breasts and brain that are important for sex, but we don’t have all year. Men have a penis and testicles.
Let’s call them what they are. DON’T give them other names, it adds a layer of shame, and we are trying to move away from that. It is a body part and I never see anyone refer to their fingers as feely wheelies or the nose as a smelly welly! Say the word vagina and penis until it rolls off the tongue and you stop blushing.
Know your own body. I still get giggles and yucks when I ask women when they last looked at their genitals. How on earth can you have great sex if you don’t know what your tools look like? And for heavens sake have a good feel. Is your pleasure spot on the left or the right of your clitoris? Do you like slow and rhythmic or fast and hard? If you don’t know how are you ever going to ask for what you want.
Sex shouldn’t hurt. EVER! Not even the first time. If first time sex hurts, it’s because you are not ready. Fear is the biggest culprit here. Fear and pain can have a negative effect on the rest of your sex life – so make sure your first time is great and not traumatic.
Talking about pain, lube is awesome. Yes awesome. Don’t think that lubricant is only for old dried-up prudes. Even if you lubricate naturally lube can be used in a hundred different ways. If you are not lubricating naturally there are many reasons why not, including medication, hormones and many more. Lubricant is a quick and easy solution.
Movie sex is not real sex! This goes for porn as well. Real sex takes much longer, is much messier and chances are your bra will find its way to the floor. Women do not like being banged for hours and normal men don’t have 6 hour and 12-inch erections. It’s just not true.
Who you are attracted to can change. Yes, you may have a type and that type may change. I had a friend who only dated tall, blond model types and has been happily married to a homely brunette for 25 years.
Talking about who you are attracted to – your gender identity is yours and as hard as you try you will be attracted to who you are attracted to.
Communication before, during and after sex is very sexy! Sex is a team sport and for too long we have kept quiet about our wants and needs. We do so because we are embarrassed and ashamed of what we want and what makes us feel good.
We are all different. What worked on your previous partner does not necessarily work on your current one. We change. If your big hot spot was the back of your neck last year, it may turn your stomach this year. Be honest about it. Life is far to short to put up with terrible sex.
Your desire will ebb and wain. You are not a machine. Be honest about it but never cruel. Your happiness and comfort is your responsibility. Stop blaming your partner. Work it out.
Relationships are full of emotions. Respect should be the one that is never compromised. If you disrespect your partner there is no coming back. It is like trust. You can go to as much therapy and relationship counselling you like, it will take years, if ever to trust your partner again. So just don’t.
Find which contraceptive works for you. We live in the 21st Century and when you start a family is up to you. We have a teenager pregnancy pandemic in this country for all the known social ills but being shamed not to take a contraceptive should not be one of them.
Teenagers will have sex. You can try to deny it and say not my child and you may have raised the exception, but I doubt it. Be the parent who teaches your child about responsible decisions and give them permission to use contraceptives. It will not turn them into sex workers.
I recently experienced a sister at a clinic shame a young girl for asking for contraceptives. Really? She’d prefer her not to have sex, I understand that but it’s not going to happen. That teenager was being responsible and deserved a non-judgement response.
We need to talk about STD (sexually transmitted diseases) openly and honestly. If you get one, get it treated and don’t pass it on. It happens – quickly!
Next week we’ll talk about a couple more but I’d love to hear what you wish you knew earlier – either comment below or email me on [email protected]