By Anne-Marie Clulow
Humans don’t make sense.
They make patterns and rituals and ways of being, that perhaps offer some reward in the beginning, eventually become “the way we do it” because folk cease to question it any longer.
Humans are sexual, and humans die. Apart from taxes, these two things are certainties for most folks with the exception of IVF (although someone still had an orgasm for that too!)
My journey into holistic, mindful and conscious sexuality has never ceased to amaze me, especially when it gets to the nitty gritty of honestly learning about bliss and pleasure.
Sexuality is one of the things most humans seem to regard as ok that we learn through some of the worst lenses and experiences.
Porn and initial fumbling inexperienced partners.
And abuse.
How does that make sense?
And yet we seem stuck as a species in that holding pattern.
If you ask most people what their first sexual experiences was like, (and I do, in a questionnaire!) the answers are very rarely filled with love, connection and pleasure.
Most people will talk about insecurities, fumbling in the dark, trying to replicate porn, pain, being shamed for touching or exploring their genitals, and in far too many cases for a supposedly evolving species, abuse and trauma.
We disassociate from sexuality as humans, put our experiences of it into a separate box, and struggle to incorporate such a large part of the human experience, with mindfulness, authenticity and integrity.
Even though we have honoured almost every other aspect of being human into those evolutions.
I mean, if you ask most people when the last time was that they had an integrated, mindful and fully connected blissful sexual experience they’ll look at you very strangely.
Or with sorrow.
Or they’ll stare at their feet uncomfortably as they won’t want to discuss any sort of bliss state or pleasure that includes a sexual or sensual element.
Because we don’t regard that conversation or experiences as normal.
No wonder we still have so much abuse, fear, shame and guilt surrounding this quintessential human experience.
We are unevolved in understanding pleasure, often choosing a blind hedonism in what gives us a pleasure kick.
Most people would consider it more normal to have a secretive contractive orgasm with a category of porn they’d never admit to, than learning how to have a deeper sexual and sensual experience with themselves or a partner in a class setting or workshop.
Because learning about pleasure and having chosen expansive experiences of it, is considered weirder than furtively having an orgasm with filmed sexual material.
How does that make sense?
Because having an affair is considered more normal than designing a relationship that could involve consensual sensual play or sexual interactions with the knowledge and participation of your spouse.
Sexual Educators who work with schools struggle to be allowed to teach anything about sex, this huge part of being human, that isn’t based on the negative aspecting of sex, catching a disease and possibly dying, or falling pregnant when that’s not part of the plan.
Sexual Educators are often not allowed to talk about WHY people WANT to have sex (pleasure, connection, joy, taking a love connection deeper physically, fun, that it involves orgasm which feels good ) they are only allowed to teach with a fear bias.
A fear bias is acceptable, a fulfillment or pleasure bias is not.
How does that make sense? How is that balanced or even truthful?
Just imagine if our Career Exhibitions were taught as Sex Education was, with no talk about the positives of having a career you enjoy. You’d only be taught that having a job would stop you starving and dying, or that being employed and paying taxes was the only way to be a “good” grown up.
No discussion of what you enjoy about your career, how to evolve your business, how to create new ways of working, how to incorporate tech and marketing.
You certainly wouldn’t be allowed a motivational speaker at your place of work!
Just fear and survival.
Of course, you wouldn’t want to teach about careers and employment in that negative bias only.
So, why are we sticking to this pattern with sexuality?
Why should such a huge part of our lives not evolve into being a healthier happier path?
Sexuality as it is in the world today isn’t approached as a healthy, holistic and beautiful part of being human.
Isn’t it time we evolved and changed that pattern?
Anne-Marie Clulow is the founder of Intimacy Coach International, and trains Intimacy Coaches worldwide to work with people to improve their intimate relationships in a safe, fun and boundaried way.
Visit the Intimacy Coach International’s website here.