By Sharon Gordon
Johannesburg - I hope you had a wonderful Heritage Day yesterday. Whether you had a braai or take out we all have our own cultures. It got me thinking about how things have changed since my parent’s generation. Men were men and women, well let’s just say that they were supposed to know their place. Since then, the lines have become blurred and men are not on the solid ground they once felt.
We like to think that our men are the 21st Century Man. Confident, in touch with his feminine side and a … man! Not so.
Men have insecurities just like us. They may not talk about it with their mates but they’re there and left unaddressed can be very destructive in any relationship.
He may feel insecure if you earn more than him, are smarter, are a lot younger, have a wider circle of friends, are more confident, have had more sexual partners etc. I’m not saying all men are insecure but when they are life becomes increasingly tricky.
Let’s say he does have insecurities - how do you deal with them without changing who you are?
The role of the women has changed so dramatically. A generation ago - barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen - was where a woman was expected to be.
Now a woman’s place is IN THE WORLD!
Women are progressing so rapidly, achieving in every sphere and often overtaking their men academically, sexually, in business, and salary.
“Men are feeling disempowered, not only in South Africa, but worldwide.” says Sue Tinsley, a psychologist in Johannesburg. She says that this is causing insecurities in the men she sees, a feeling of “impotence” not only in their intimate life but also in their work, relationships and family.
Their insecurity will manifest in different ways: He may become depressed, anxious, be passive aggressive, withdrawn or will show bravado to mask his insecurity. They can often become very confrontational and aggressive.
Desire, a 29-year-old sales manager says that when she got the promotion and started earning more than him, he became jealous and abusive. “He started making comments to friends about how I’d slept my way to the top and would use every opportunity to belittle me.”
She broke up with him after a 4 year relationship saying that “I grew in confidence and he became more miserable. He just couldn’t cope with me being more successful than him!”
I’d like to mention that many women loose respect for a man if she is supporting him. I know this is particularly true in my generation, and as you know I’m older than most.
On the other hand, some men who are confident in themselves do not see this as a competition. They are thrilled that their partner is successful and support her all of the way.
This is usually a relationship built on mutual respect. Essential in any relationship.
Lyn Rothschild, another psychologist says there are many issues.
Sometimes the man is quite relieved that she is taking over the breadwinner role. Other times it is the woman who starts to lose respect for her partner because he is not ambitious enough. Which can be an equally destructive.
Rothschild believes a process of negotiation and setting ground rules is important in defining the relationship. “Any change is difficult, if your relationship is being affected, get some professional counselling.”
Sue Tinsley says the key to coping with an insecure man is to share everything.
Share your feelings, share the work stress, share the household duties and make him feel important in the home. “Tell him how much you appreciate his help with everything and allow him to make some decisions.”
Both Sue and Lyn agree, don’t compromise yourself in the process. Be the best you can be and if he has a problem with that then get some help.
A man I know said that he had to deal with this in his own life.
His suggestion “Get over it!” Stop whining and be happy, life is a journey and as long as you do it together who cares who earns more?
It becomes a bit more complicated when there is a discrepancy in sexual prowess. You need to know your partner really well before you reveal your tricks and find ways to guide him into playing the way you like. Don’t ever compare your partner to someone else. This slices both ways. Be respectful and gentle. We all have our hang ups! So play nice.