Snuggle up this Easter to your partner as autumn approaches. Single people are more likely to stay in relationships during colder months. Now you have another reason to be in a relationship. Married couples have 6.9 times more sex than unmarried couples, according to Newsweek.
This week’s question comes from Lerato in Randburg: “How much sex must a couple have? What is healthy and normal? What if my partner wants more sex than I do?”
All of us want to compare ourselves to others. We are curious by nature about what others do. When we obtain information of what is considered normal, we use it to decide if we meet the average expectation. It is our way of finding a frame of reference for what is often private information. Even in relationships we want to live up to society’s standards, but this is not always the best way to deal with certain issues.
Relationships are so unique that it is hard to say how much sex will make you, or your partner, happy. However, how you handle the situation when one person wants more sex than the other partner is what matters the most. You have control over making your bedroom party about gourmet sex or quickies. It is interesting that the more sex you have, the more you want, irrespective of your gender. It is natural to do more of what makes you feel good. According to Newsweek and other polls, there are still 15% to 20% sexless marriages, with less than 10 sexual encounters per year and 2% with none at all.
Whether you are born with a high or low libido, you can decide what is your “new” normal. Relationships are made up of two sets of values and two people’s natural body rhythms. This makes every couple different and hard to compare.
Day-to-day activities are influenced by circumstances surrounding money, children, work and trust issues. Subconsciously, past traumatic events, such as abuse or health-related issues, affect a person’s ability to open up to one’s partner.
If having a better experience is more important to you than the amount of times, then note that your chances are higher of having the quality when you have sex more often. As you learn to cope with what influences your attitude towards making love and enjoying yourself, you will eventually realise that what seems big now, might not be such a big deal for your partner, and then you will let it go. You can grow together by noticing when negative feelings come up and then do something constructive about what you’ve discovered.
Don’t be afraid to schedule your bedroom parties. Once you get into it, you will feel less awkward about the time that you’ve blocked off in your diary. If your partner wants sex more than you, notice what else might also reduce his stress levels and then help him to feel closer to you by opening up to him.
There is no normal. Comparing your relationship to having sex once a week, or once a month, is not what will make you happy. What is healthy for your sexual antics is how you respond to your partner’s needs, and finding your happy medium and considering your own needs. This is how you can show him who you really are and how you can accept him as he really is. To feel close comes from knowing we can trust our partners to be themselves. Get to know yourself and you might discover that sex is a way of finding more joy in your relationship, deeply and intensely, in ways that can sustain you during both difficult and happy times.
* Adelé Green is a transformation specialist coach and author of Can You See Me Naked: Grow in a Conscious Relationship. She provides answers here when posted on www.adele-green.com/askadele/ or contact her for coaching.