Every now and again, there is a conversation that inspires constant head-nodding.
The one that had me chuckling and nodding away recently began on Twitter, with a man (@EliMcCann, it’s worth finding and reading) tweeting: “Yesterday I was at my grandma’s doctor appointment with her and the physician started lecturing her on cutting back on sugar and she interrupted him and said ‘I am 90. I think I’m doing ok but thanks for the advice’.”
How that struck a nerve, for me and hundreds of other twits, telling stories of how doctors, caregivers or family ruled over their elderly parents’ or grandparents’ “vices”.
Mostly, the grannies or granddads wanted salt, biscuits, chocolate, ice cream, butter, their daily whisky or G&T, or painkillers, all of which are on the “bad for you” list.
One of the most spot-on responses came from @cwade, who wrote: “As modern people we’ve lost track of how to allow older people to choose (sic) their own choices.”
Most of the stories involved people 80 and over, and there were many showing the feistiness of older folk. There was the woman buying an eyebrow pencil. As she started testing the make-up, the shop assistant asked if she needed a magnifying mirror. The woman said her eyebrows hadn’t moved in 85 years, so, no thank you.
Another (also apparently not using a mirror) muddled her eyebrow pencil and lip liner and walked around with bright pink eyebrows.
A woman reported that she was worried that her loved one was dependent on painkillers. The doctor said dependency at her age was not an issue if it enabled the older patient to live as comfortably as possible.
Living forever has long been a holy grail for humans. Science and medicine focus on prolonging life. If you’re young, a long life is the goal, so the healthiest route you can take is the best one.
If someone is nearing the time to leave, they should be allowed to be as happy as possible for the years that remain. If there is no other option than to intervene in a chronic illness, that person should be given the chance to be heard. And respected.
For the family of older people, the thought of them ever going is painful and we want to keep them healthy and alive forever.
It’s then that we can forget that these people brought us up, nurtured us, taught us, loved us and guided us. They have learnt lessons and felt aches and pains we will only discover and understand as we near their age. After they have died, our too-late response is: “Oh (gran/mom/dad/grandad), if only I had truly understood what it felt like for you…”
It’s so easy to “over-care” and rob the elderly of their hard-earned right to be treated as adults, for their choices to be honoured and for them to just enjoy their life. Mental frailty or dementia make it a bit more challenging, but even older people afflicted with these awful conditions should be treated with respect and given the chance to live their best lives.
Let our older loved ones choose for themselves.
- Lindsay Slogrove is the news editor.
The Independent on Saturday