Long before she became an actress and featured in soapies Backstage, Generations and Scandal, and before she launched her career 13 years ago on an edgy show called Live@Five, Candice Derman was a beautiful girl with bouncy curls who learnt at the age of eight her body could become an object and she could keep secrets.
The little Joburg girl who had everything – money, family, a large home, cars and beautiful clothes – also learnt she could survive. She learnt to use her imagination to whisk her away from pain, fear, lies, confusion, loneliness and secrets.
She believed that one day she would be ready to tell her story of periodic sexual abuse and emotional manipulation at the hands of her stepfather, Joe.
When she was eight, Joe started touching her “down there”.
It happened repeatedly. He raped her when she was 11. It carried on until she was nearly 15.
Derman eventually told older sister Romy the truth. Shocked and horrified, Romy – who also confessed to being touched by Joe – spilled the truth to their mother, who had been unaware of the abuse. Joe was arrested, convicted and sentenced to two years in jail.
Years later, Derman felt compelled to write a book about the abuse. She wanted to use it to find answers for herself. But she was aware she had to heal first before she could pen her disturbing tale.
She never imagined the entire process would take three years. She constantly stepped away from the writing – immersing herself was physically and emotionally exhausting. She didn’t want to lapse into depression, deep sadness and moments of self-doubt.
So she took that much-needed space to breathe, separate the child in her that relived the abuse, and enjoy being a woman who was kinder to herself and found pleasure in little things, like wearing high heels and spending time with her Persian cats.
When Derman’s book, Indescribable, was published last year, she finally found her voice. The secret was out. She discovered she could “talk about the darkness without fear because I have put it in the light”. In the book, she says: “Abuse is like an unnatural disaster: everything that is lost must be rebuilt, and I have had to rebuild all of me.”
In a cosy corner at Exclusive Books in Hyde Park, the 36-year-old chatted about her journey towards healing and finding true love with husband Jonathan Harris.
The healing process for her began a long time ago. She recognised early on in her childhood the source of her inner strength came from contrasting experiences in her life. In among the bad, there were birthday parties, ice creams, cuddling with kittens, afternoon thundershowers, acting and her four older sisters. She is closest to Romy.
“I knew my stepdad brought me pain, but my love for my sister helped me.”
She needed the goodness out of life to counterbalance the bad.
Even as a child she had been determined to live a normal life in her abnormal world. The victim mode didn’t suit her as an extrovert. Her greed for life wouldn’t allow her to fall into a self-destructive trap.
She explained this beautifully in her book: “I wasn’t able to run away from the bad, so I learnt to accept it, and that forced me to love the good harder.”
Her consultations with numerous psychologists were brief. Derman knew ultimately only she could heal her pain.
But there were bad days when she experienced periods of chronic fatigue, depression and a realisation of her fragility. She was afraid of failure. On such days, she would feel lost, become quiet and live an insular existence.
Writing in her diary became a release. She has kept a diary from the age of 12.
How did her mother and real father react to her book, I asked.
Her mother’s reaction was unexpected. “She said: ‘We can’t carry the past, it’s all in a book now. Let’s heal and move on.’ “
Her sisters were equally proud of her. But her father found it terribly hard. “Dad was so sorry for what happened to me. His response to the book has been wonderful. And we get on with life.”
Despite the horrors of her past, her relationships with men growing up weren’t difficult. “I’ve never been promiscuous, I was a serial monogamous person.”
She and Jonathan have been married for 11½ years. “I’ve had a tough journey in my life and he has been my greatest gift. He is the deepest part of me.”
Harris is her best friend. “Jonathan always sees my light even if I struggle. He sees my survival, and pushes me to be brave. And I don’t give him the burden of my past. It’s my own.” - The Star